A 'new york' 'hipster' in Vancouver: My Wasted Retelling of Hipster Subversion that Includes Several Homo-"Phobic" and Misogynist Adjectives/Nouns
This from last night around 3am.
Hooooo! So blasted, can only use one eye to type. After a day of watching meatheads, their meathead bear-dogs, and their Amazonian, meathead sluts with fake double d silicone installations at the transit-accessible Kits Beach, we settled into our beloved Cambie for a night of pitcher-slammin' madness. It did not go well. Every male in the bar was in hot, meatheaded competition for the same three Quebecois fucksluts, scantily clad and sitting by happenstance at the opposite end of our mammoth table. Some superqueer "hipster" "from" "new york" inserted himself into the dead conversation that was taking place next to us. Nobody around here travels alone, so I immediately suspected a problem. He literally sat down next to us and said out loud, "Where are you from I'M FROM NEW YORK!" Of course, this this assholic transplant had just sat down next to two guys from Queens.
Said fag was wearing a communist Cuban revolutionary cap, thick-rimmed hipster glasses, and a $80 t-shirt under an unnecessarily cool flannel shirt. Not to mention the necessary stubble. If I were still living in New York, I would never have looked at this person. But I innocently (!) asked where the "new yorker" was from. Manorville, Suffolk, LI. Over an hour from the Actual City. Said "new yorker" went on and on about his career in advertising, how he Knew what the Client Wanted, how he Advocated for His Artists, and how his Blackberry Connected Him to the Protestant Work World. He also mentioned that Work lets him come in late if he "fuck[s] a hot blonde or something." This guy was even worse than me. Worser still, he repeatedly claimed to be Awesome because he was "from" "new york," which deeply outweighed his years in filthy San Francisco and his decades on Long Island. He continued to try to hit on the Quebecois fucksluts, pissing off all the head-shaved meatheads at the table, and he repeatedly told everyone he was "from" "new york," expecting them to drop to their knees and suck his dick at the mere mention of the place. We shared a pitcher of Kokanee with him (three-way split, how can you say no?), but the final straw came when Dan took a piss and this fakeass suburban hipster scum had the balls to tell me that not only was he from the same island as me (bullshit!) but that he was absolutely for sure going to stay in this hostel tonight (as in, with me) because his travel buddies at the YWCA had abandoned him (surprise!) and he was going to lie and charm his way into our double.
The second he left to take a piss, I followed him to the restroom/trough. The second Dan emerged from said restroom, I rushed him upstairs, to triple-locked safety and immunity from Vice-magazine-reading, giant-plastic-rim wearing, overpriced-t-shirt-buying, advertising-working hipster scum. Amen.
If this is what "new yorkers" are like now, I'm still glad I left. Where to next?
P.S. DAMAGE HOMOPHOBIA, MISOGYNY, AND RACISM BY NEUTRALIZING NEGATIVE LANGUAGE! I'M FUCKING SERIOUS!